I took some time the past couple of months to try and really listen to what is going on inside of my heart. I know it sounds a little adolescent but the more I read about positive and influential leaders the more I learn that most of them followed their passions which ultimately led them to great success. In order to really hear what the little voice inside of me was saying I had to tune out a lot of the manufactured voices; the voice of habit, the voice of fear and the voice of society. I had to try to separate my true beliefs from the beliefs I thought were mine because of circumstance. By the way, that’s like the hardest thing ever.
I’ve spent a good part of my life believing there was a way to affect change. I don’t know how I came to believe that a particular path was the right one but at some point I attached myself to a path and refused to get off. I worked harder than anyone else, put in the hours, championed for things (that other people believed in). I started to realize that none of them were the things that the little voice inside of me really cared about. Suddenly I was gaining success in my career, surrounded by really interesting people and traveling the country…but I wasn’t fulfilled. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and passionless. Externally it may have seemed that everything was coming up roses, but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that this was true, the little voice inside of me was screaming, “Something isn’t right, something isn’t right!”
I love movies, I love stories, I love theater and television. But as I looked further into my so called passion to curate these things I found that behind it wasn’t just a true belief in films as art or a love for storytelling, what was behind it was the idea that I could create a world where everyone was loved, safe, and respected (among other things). If I could tell stories about ethical, inspiring, heroic people I may inspire more equality, heroism and fairness in the world. What an idea right?
But then I took a step back. I was knocked off of my steady horse by a job offer outside of my industry. I was asked to come meet with a team and learn about what they are doing and think about possibly joining them. At first I was confused, is this temptation? Is this that thing that people talk about when they are having a frustrating point in their career and the universe is testing them to see how much they want it? It could be, I thought, but it could also be an opportunity. The particular position would allow me to learn how to run a company and understand what it takes to build and manage an incredible team.
So I went to meet them and see what they were all about. After meeting with them and loving them and spending a few days with my family for Christmas I got on a plane to Europe with my sister. She had pretty much forced me to take some time away from the pressures and the jobs and the career and just explore the world. Sucky sister right? So after a few tantrums my mind and body finally accepted this foreign way of doing things. Slowing down and shutting out the noise took some time. I found myself in a small Italian restaurant in Berlin the night before my 28th birthday. While sipping a glass of wine by myself and reflecting I pulled out my journal and began to write. A little while later I turned to the front of the journal to read what was on the pages and under the remark, “what is important to you”, I found this:
“I never want little girls to feel inadequate. Every little girl deserves to feel worthy, strong, loved, safe and beautiful. I can change the world. I still believe in the good, that people are good and if you show them goodness and believe in them and support them that anything is possible.”
And there in that little Italian restaurant at that little table with that little candle burning strong and bright I could hear my little voice. She had finally found her courage and was speaking clearly.
And from there I started to write down organizations that focus on these issues. I started to rack my brain for philanthropic opportunities that I could explore that would allow me to learn more about helping little girls, teenage girls and women of all ages to better understand their worth. And I realized that if I took this new opportunity, outside of my comfort zone, outside of my “box” that I might have time to focus on some of these issues while learning how to run a company. And if I could someday run my own company and focus on these issues every day, imagine the kind of world me and an incredible team could create? Not a fake one with breakable walls and weightless heroes, but a real one with less hate, more acceptance and a lot of good.
It wont be easy taking a step away from what I know, my dream of making movies and sitting in the directors chair working with a group of people to tell an important story still burns inside of me. I will fully admit that right now it feels like a loss. But I consider this a “hiatus”. Maybe eventually I will come back to make more episodes and finish out the season…or maybe the dream will formulate in some other way.
At the end of the day, I don’t care what anyone says, I know that people are good and things can change. The little voice inside of me has decided that it’s time that we prove it.
“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day you’ll join us…”
